im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
