I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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