just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
