I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
