I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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