you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
