Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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