Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
