tell your sister to shave her snatch
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
