there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize