Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
