I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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