if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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