Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i've created a new STD.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
