Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
of course. lets lasso hookers.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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