My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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