There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
