On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
