Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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