You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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