I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
