I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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