now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
