i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
