I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Holy sore nipples Batman
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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