Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
