I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
