How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
