It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
