I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the condom got lost in my hair
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
