What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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