i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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