apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Boobs are out for the taking
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
