I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
