The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
