Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
