She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
