6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize