Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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