Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
