did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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