New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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