it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
