wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
