Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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