I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
