I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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