I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
