Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize