My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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