awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
