I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
