I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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