Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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