My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
