Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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