So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
