Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
