The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
