Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
