dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize